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(Image Taken By: Cadence Kennedy )

I debated whether I should write about this or if I should get back to blogging and posting on social media without making this part of my life public.  Ultimately, I feel that this life experience has touched me so deeply that I would be lying to all of you if I didn’t let you know what has been going on.  At the end of May I had a miscarriage.

Even now typing that sentence seems very strange.  I mean, I’m only 28 and you never think it could happen to you… until it does.  Truth be told we weren’t trying for another baby.  Addison wasn’t even a year old yet when we found out and getting pregnant with her wasn’t a walk in the park.  It took us a while and, since I am also a type 1 diabetic, it took a lot of planning and preparing on my part.  So, when we found out in April that I was almost seven weeks along a part of me was relieved that maybe this time around was supposed to be easier and less stressful.  I remember those first few months when I was pregnant with Addison, I was so nervous.  Nervous about all the normal stuff, but also so nervous that my health issues were going to hurt our baby.  This time around I wasn’t nervous at all and we even shared the news with out close family and told them that we would be expecting our new addition around the holidays.

Shortly after our first doctor’s appointment I realized I was having a miscarriage.  I remember sitting at the doctor’s office trying to listen to what he was telling me but not really understanding.  I just kept thinking how could this be happening?  Surprisingly, one of the first emotions that hit me was embarrassment.  How could I now go back and tell our family I wasn’t pregnant?  Silly right? Next came anger and sadness and then guilt, a whole lot of guilt. No matter how many people tell you it isn’t your fault it’s really hard to believe them.

Looking back on it I think I probably didn’t take the time for myself that I should have.  At the time of my miscarriage my husband had just left the country for an almost two-week work trip and we were getting ready to celebrate Addison’s first birthday, so sitting in my room wallowing and crying just didn’t seem like an option.  It wasn’t until a few weeks later that everything started to hit me and it wasn’t until opening up to some of my close friends that I realized this wasn’t something I could keep a secret anymore and why did I have to.

I finally feel like I am coming out the other side of this life altering event.  I found comfort not only from my friends and family but through some truly amazing women that I have become friends with through blogging.  It was nice to hear that I wasn’t the only one that felt all these emotions and that more people than I probably realize have gone through the same thing.  If you know someone who is going through a loss I know it can be hard to figure out what to say, but sometimes all you have to say is, “I’m here if you need.”

There is nothing embarrassing about a miscarriage and there is no reason people shouldn’t talk about it if they want to. I wish I knew that sooner, but I know that now. I guess that is why I decided to post about this (admittedly after staring at the publish button for most of the day). I hope that someone reads this and realizes they are not alone.  I also know there are women who have gone through much worse than me and have experienced loss and grief that I cannot imagine and I am truly in awe of them.  I have to believe God has a larger plan for me and everything that happens, happens for a reason.  Tonight I am probably going to hug my little nugget a little harder, and hopefully all you out there do the same.

 

xo Ali