I’ve been on the fence about writing this type of post for a while, but the more I thought about it, I shared my sorrow with you all when I miscarried last year and then shared the joy of finding out we were pregnant again earlier this year, so it only seemed appropriate I share with you my thoughts about not only this pregnancy, but what it has been like for me to get pregnant again after a miscarriage and finally what it’s like being a high risk pregnancy due to being a Type 1 diabetic since I was six. This is probably one of the longest posts you will ever read on here, but my hope is that someone can relate, some mom or mom to be will know that they aren’t alone in all the crazy feelings and emotions that are wrapped up when you are doing one of the most important and nerve-wracking things one can do in their lifetime.

Let me start by talking a little bit about being a diabetic.  I’ve been a diabetic for over 20 years and over the past few years I have found myself talking about it more than I ever have.  Growing up my friends just knew about my diabetes, there was no need to explain what low blood sugar was, or why I couldn’t have that Halloween candy, because they just knew.  As I have gotten older and I have met new people, whether it be in Addison’s mommy and me class, or from working on various projects for work, I feel like I am constantly sharing that I wear an insulin pump, or another device called a continuous glucose monitor that helps me keep track of my blood sugars.  Sometimes people feel a little sorry for me because they cannot imagine what it’s like to constantly carb count, or prick your finger multiple times a day, or worry that unpredicted high blood sugar can send you to the hospital, but I have never felt sorry for myself.  This is a part of who I am and learning about dealing with my illness has made me who I am today and in a weird way it has made me more confident and independent.

Currently I am very controlled when it comes to my diabetes.  My levels rivaling those that doesn’t have diabetes, but it hasn’t always been that way.  It really wasn’t until I was trying to get pregnant the first time around that I realized I needed to get my act together and really start to take care of myself.  All of a sudden it wasn’t just about my health, but it was about the health of someone else and I would never forgive myself if it didn’t do everything in my power to make sure my baby was born happy and healthy.

Being pregnant takes a toll on your body even if you are the healthiest, fittest person there is and the moment you get a positive pregnancy test there is enough uncertainty to make anyone start to worry just a little bit and when you have a chronic disease that adds a whole new level of stress and worry to the equation.  When I was pregnant with Addison I was doing everything right, and preparing by monitoring my blood sugars even more closely than before and heading to my endocrinologist on a more regular basis.  Once I actually became pregnant I had even more doctor’s visits (once a month instead of once every 4-6) and I would test my blood sugar obsessively just to make sure things were going as they should.  In the end it all paid off our baby girl was born happy and healthy with no issues and I knew I did everything I could to keep her safe.

After my miscarriage in June, I couldn’t help but think it had something to do with higher glucose levels or that we weren’t planning that pregnancy and if we were I would have been monitoring things more closely.  In the end I know it was none of those things but just part of God’s greater plan.  So, when about five months later I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby you can imagine my mix of emotions.  I was incredibly happy and incredibly scared all at the same time. I know that anyone that has suffered a loss of a child, whether it be at 6 weeks or 40 weeks knows exactly what I am talking about.   After having a miscarriage, as crazy as it might sound, I literally thought that any little thing could make me lose this baby and that wasn’t going to happen.  This time things were going to go smoothly and I was going to make sure I did everything right.  But, as usual, life had a different plan for me because this time around my morning sickness hit an all time high, which is only more dangerous when you are a diabetic.  Keeping any kind of food down was pretty impossible from about week six to week 14, but luckily with the help of amazing doctors I got through it and I’m sure I would do it all again if it meant in the end i would get a baby.  This also taught me that not everything is your fault.  Some things just happen and the only thing you can do is work through them and hope and pray tomorrow is better, because more often than not it usually is.

Ok, now on to how this pregnancy has actually been going.  All in all I really have no huge complaints.  The morning sickness in the first trimester was definitely unpleasant and not without it scary moments, but that seems like a lifetime ago now!  Since about week 14 or 15 I really have felt great. This time around I feel like things are happening sooner than than before.  My belly popped earlier, this baby is hanging out a little lower in my belly, and this little girl better be a gymnast because there is not 15 minutes that go by that I don’t feel a kick, jab or what I can only assume is a  summersault.   Being a high risk pregnancy isn’t all terrible.  Yes, I have to get induced at 39 weeks if not before, and yes I have to get a ton of extra blood draws and have probably 3x if not more doctor’s appointment than the regular person, but that also means I get to check in on my little nugget more often.  I get to hear her heartbeat and see her on sonograms on a pretty regular basis.  Starting next week I’ll go in 1-2 times a week for a sonogram which definitely puts my mind at ease as we head down the home stretch.   At almost 30 weeks pregnant I am now just getting anxious for our little girl to arrive.  I find myself thinking about what life is going to be like in a few short months as we transition from a family of three to a family of four.  Sometimes it makes me sad that Addison won’t be my “baby” anymore, but then my husband kindly reminds me that even at 25 she will still be my baby, and it’s so true.  I’m excited to have these two girls grow up together and can’t wait to see what the future holds.

Like I said before I wanted to share all these crazy thoughts because I hope someone can relate.  Every new mom or mom to be has a million crazy, irrational, highly emotional thoughts that run through their brain all day everyday, it’s hard not to.  I also realize that there are many more women out there whose journey has been longer and tougher than mine, and I have to say all of you have helped to give me hope and strength to move forward with my journey.  Being a mom definitely isn’t what I expected and I you asked me 10 years ago what my life would be like today I would have painted you a very different picture, but today, at this moment I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world :).  xoxoxo

xo Ali